You can’t get too far into the days’ news without hearing about the mental health crisis among children and teens. Despite the headlines, there is more to the story. When we talk about children and youth mental health, we should also talk about coping skills. There is good evidence that children are not developing sufficient coping skills to help them overcome small setbacks and bigger adversity. As parents, we can intervene and teach coping skills to inoculate them against anxious and depressive symptoms.
Disrupting thought patterns
One of the proven treatment strategies for anxiety and depression is cognitive behavioral therapy. The underlying premise of this approach, simply put, is that these symptoms come from a negative pattern of thinking that continues, feels uncontrollable, and escalates in intensity. So, it might be a kid who has an off-day at soccer and thinks, “I am not good at soccer.” That notion could repeat as they recall the game, and then it could continue to spread to not being good at schoolwork. Then, that idea may escalate to not being good at anything. Pretty soon, this idea might become internalized to being no good as a person, and that kid could be moving toward the path of depression. This pattern does not necessarily happen quickly, but there are places where parents can help disrupt it, teach their kids how to cope with minor issues like an off-day at soccer, and help them develop healthier thinking patterns.
Improvement through effort
First, parents can be deliberate in providing skills to deal with a setback. Many parents do this instinctively by saying things like, “Everyone has a bad day,” “The team wasn’t working together,” or “We can practice together if you want.” The important elements are for the kid to learn not to place blame on themself and to emphasize improvement through effort. Moving away from the I’m-no-good-at-soccer thinking to “I had one bad day” allows kids not to internalize a setback and blame themselves. Having one bad day opens up the possibility (and hope) that the next game will improve.
Coping with challenges
Parents can directly instruct on how to cope with challenges. If a child is overwrought over tough homework, parents can help them learn to take deep breaths, calm down, and break the challenge down into smaller steps to make it more manageable. If a child is getting frustrated at a task, parents can put words to feelings (i.e., “You are getting frustrated.”) and help the child step back and approach with a calmer tactic. Parents can also model and explain how they cope with challenges. I have relayed to my daughter that when I have a lot of tasks to do, I write down lists so that I do not spend energy thinking about all the tasks that need to be accomplished. I have now seen her write lists for herself when she believes she has many tasks to complete rather than feel overwhelmed with what is being asked of her.
Let them practice their skills
Many kids need more opportunities to problem-solve with their peers and practice good risk-taking. Those times on the playground and in parks with free, unstructured play are all opportunities for learning about problem-solving and coping. Kids, when negotiating play, are learning how to compromise, lead, acquiesce appropriately, and deal with disappointment with their peers, among other skills. Too often, parents and adults step into a play yard dispute or hover too closely, which prevents kids from having the opportunities to develop those skills naturally. Siblings also provide a natural place to practice these skills. Even if siblings are fighting, they are learning negotiation skills in the process and, ultimately, learn that even though they can yell and scream at each other, the other person will still be there. Parents advising to work it out with the sibling or a friend on the playground provide a wise lesson. These are the skills to deal with adversity and challenges when they are bigger problems.
The role of fathers
Dads, in particular, have a specific role in coping skills. Because dads often spend less time with their children than moms, their interactions and dialogue with kids become more concentrated and may have more impact. Also, because men often are less expressive with their emotions, children may not see an array of emotions from their fathers. It may be even more effective when dads talk and demonstrate how to cope with challenges to their kids.
I think 2024 will be about building better mental health for my daughter (and me). January is a good time to pledge to provide regular coaching with your kids on managing stress in healthy and productive ways. My goal is to deliberately discuss with my daughter regularly about how I cope and demonstrate calming techniques for her to use. Imagine how powerful it would be for kids to have the skills to overcome setbacks and achieve their goals. With parents’ support, they can develop these skills and maintain their mental health.
Robert (Rob) S. WeisskircH, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.