“This, too, shall pass.”
“Fake it till you make it.”
“You can have everything…just not all at the same time.”
“Worry doesn’t change it.”
“Walk toward the sun, so the shadows are all behind you.”
“What you’ve done isn’t as important as what you DO about what you’ve done.”
“Stand up and brush yourself off.”
“Suck it up, Buttercup.”
These are all words of wisdom my mother, sister, and grandmother told me when I was a young woman facing the challenges of low-paying jobs, failed relationships, an unexpected pregnancy, single motherhood, and all of the things that can blindside you as you are trying to figure out adulthood. They sound like trite phrases, but they did help. They were the backbone of the resiliency and spirited attitude I eventually developed.
Turbulent Times
Young mothers, I wish I had some wise words to add to these phrases the women told me my whole life. I can’t imagine what it is like raising young children during these times of social distancing, closed schools, shuttered businesses, working and schooling at home, and constantly worrying about catching a virus we still know so little about. It must be incredibly overwhelming to know that your children are looking to you to set the pace: how you handle this topsy-turvy world will show them how they should be reacting. And that is a huge responsibility. I want you to know that most of us grandparents are watching you handle all of this, and we SEE you. You are amazing. You are appreciated. And you can DO this.
Since the beginning of this pandemic, the concern has been on how it affects older people. Those of us over 50 years old have a death rate 30x higher than our adult children, and the risk increases with age. Those numbers are scary, and that is what we’ve all been paying attention to. But what about the emotional toll the pandemic is taking on our kids and grandkids? Although older folks face health risks, younger people are taking the brunt of the pandemic emotionally. Youngsters are trying to learn without hands-on teaching. Their parents are trying to juggle a rapidly-changing life, where nothing is routine any longer. I have read online about older people in isolation, experiencing emotional challenges, and depression. But the grandparents I know are doing fine emotionally. Whether or not we work outside the home still, we have more flexibility, less responsibility for others, and a long lifetime of experience behind us that all help us deal with this. And we wish we could do more to help you weather this storm.
Holiday Season Stresses
The holiday season might be something young parents have looked forward to in the past. However, kids are already home, so “winter break” isn’t a thing to look forward to as in previous winters, not for kids and not for moms. There will be no breaks for mom. And I am singling out moms on purpose: the research and my observations show that, even in two-parent homes, moms bear the burden of the added responsibilities at a much higher rate than dads. Moms are the ones more likely to work at home. They are the ones trying to hold down a job while managing a busy toddler and helping another child with distance learning. They are running to the grocery store on their lunch breaks and trying to throw dinner together between Zoom meetings. They are superwomen but getting no recognition for it. I see it in my daughter, and I watch her in awe.
Our own expectations
We women are so tough on ourselves. We want things to go perfectly, and we want our children to experience nothing but happiness. We want Christmas to be magical. We want our kids to remember the holidays and get warm fuzzies. And when they don’t, we carry that burden. “Mom guilt” is real. But, moms, you have to STOP. Breathe. You can’t care for anyone else if you’re not caring for yourselves. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. As long as they know you love them and support them, they will be fine. And by practicing some self-care, you can teach them about empathy. You can teach them about loving themselves. One of the most beautiful gifts you can give your children is teaching them that we are all human, and we are all in this together. And that mom also has limits.
Grieving the loss of “normal”
When I was a mother of younger children, we didn’t have any pandemics so I can’t offer advice about coming out of all of this with your sanity intact. However, I have lost a child. I have experienced profound grief and came out of it in one piece. Pandemic life and all of its challenges throw all of us into a different kind of mourning. We are grieving life as we knew it. We are grieving the loss of our “normal.” I can share a couple of ways I dealt with my grief. The first is that I accepted that “normal” no longer existed: I acknowledged I was going to have a “new normal.” Secondly, I had to adjust my expectations of myself: get through today successfully. Then worry about tomorrow when it gets here. When you are grieving, time seems like a vacuum, and you can lose days at a time, which adds to feeling overcome with hopelessness. I made lists of things to accomplish each day so that I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. Ask for help if you need it: people want to be there for you. We are all on the same team, and there is no shame in admitting you’re having a hard time.
It’s ok to take some of the pressure off
I’ll close with another useful piece of advice from an older woman: “It’s not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” Ann Landers, advice columnist extraordinaire, said that. And she is right. Mama, let go of some of that control. Lighten up on your demands of yourself, and start giving your kids more responsibility in the household. Depending on their age, your kids can take some of the weight off your shoulders. With the holidays coming, let your children take a role in all the planning. Ask them what they want to do to make the holiday special that doesn’t involve expensive gifts. You may be surprised at what a “magical holiday” consists of in their minds! One of the magical things my kids still remember from holidays is driving around looking at the great Christmas lights and décor. Teaching your children compassion, work ethic, and how to be a team player are among the most important things you can do as a parent. Providing the “perfect” holiday is not. And, again, you’ve got this. You are strong. You are incredible. You are appreciated.
TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures.