When I received the suggested topics for this month’s edition, I considered going in several directions. I can ramble on about a few topics for hours (ask me about my dogs and the benefits of pet ownership!). Others, such as race issues, I actively avoid. As a middle-aged, middle-class white woman, I feel woefully unqualified to speak on anything related to Black history. It’s not my story to tell, and I would much rather listen to people of color who have something to say than attempt to add two cents. After being reminded that February is Black History Month, I began thinking about my grandkids.
My grandkids are the light of my life. They are beautiful and smart and opinionated, just like their mama. As it was with their mama, I would do anything to protect them, keep them safe, and ensure their happiness. Which, I suppose, is what inspired me to tackle something related to Black History Month. You see, my grandchildren are mixed-race. They are Hispanic, Black, and white. Until I began to educate myself on racial issues in our country, I don’t think I gave that more than a passing thought. Like most white people, I live in a white-centered world. However, I want to do better. So, years ago, I began a quest to educate myself about racism in our country. I started reading books and articles that could help me see the world through a lens other than my own. It has been an enlightening and humbling journey, and I still have a long way to go. I’m hoping other grandparents will find value in some of the things I have learned.
Why educating myself matters
In most white households, there isn’t a lot of discussion about race. It generally doesn’t affect us, so why talk about it? We don’t experience it, so why are the discussions important? I’ll tell you why: because there are things we do and say every day that reflect how we were raised and our current environment. We live in a world in which white people made the rules, and everyone else had to follow them. It’s an uncomfortable discussion, but an important one. We all need to get used to speaking plainly and openly. And if you, like me, have mixed-race grandchildren, it’s essential to get comfortable with this topic. Don’t know where to start? Keep reading.
Our words are important
As I mentioned, my grandkids are mixed-race. Mom is half white, half Hispanic. Dad is half white, half Black. My granddaughter, their first child, was born with beautiful cocoa-colored skin, curly dark hair that falls in ringlets, and crystal-blue eyes. She is stunning. One of the words many people use when talking about mixed-race children is “exotic.” But, from what I have read, that’s not always seen as a positive thing. They are not colorful birds or a rare piece of art from a foreign country. Although many of us may think calling someone “exotic-looking” is a compliment, I have learned that most mixed-race people do not interpret it that way. Their value is not in their racial identity; it is in who they are as people. Focusing on their coloring makes them feel like an object, not a valuable person.
Having Black family doesn’t make you immune from racism
One of the first things I became aware of when I started my reeducation five years ago was that loving a Black person does not mean you have conquered racism. Conquering racism is not about your relationship with a person of color. It is about your relationship and willingness to hold yourself accountable and to call out other white people when they cross a line. Every. Single. Time. Hold your other white family members accountable for even subtle racism. When you pay attention, you’ll begin to notice it everywhere: in words they choose, in their political views, in almost every aspect of life. Subtle racism is so inherent in white culture that most of us don’t even know we are participating. I will admit this one is probably the hardest for me to do. I don’t want to alienate my family. I also know I probably won’t change them. Most of them think I’m a bit crazy, anyway. But I have to be true to my journey, and sometimes that means butting heads with family members!
Acknowledge color
Another way we can help our mixed-race grandkids is to see and acknowledge color. Being “color-blind” is not possible, nor is it healthy. Pretending everyone is the same is not helpful. Just as equality and equity aren’t the same. The solution to a society that has traditionally treated people of color differently is not to feign blindness. What is helpful is to treat everyone with dignity and respect. You can do that by acknowledging the unique traditions that are part of Black culture.
Children as a reflection
Lastly, understand that your grandchildren are the total of their influences, including their parents and grandparents. We like to say that “children are our future.” In reality, they are a reflection of the past: of all of us. They don’t start out caring about race, color, nationality, etc. But, somewhere along the line, they see us. They mimic us. And then they become us. Make sure you are worthy of being emulated. Don’t expect them to overcome your racism. That’s your job. And it’s something you will need to work on every day for the rest of your life. Be open to your shortcomings, and make a sincere effort to change them. Stop being defensive when the issue of privilege comes up. Resist the urge to start any sentence with, “Not all white people…” These are things you can do every day to fight racism and leave a better world for your grandchildren.
TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures.