May is the month we celebrate mothers, mother figures, soon-to-be-mothers, grandmothers…pretty much every woman in our lives. I’m going to give a shout out to a group of mothers near and dear to me: single mothers. I was a single mother for 18 years. I had my first child at 22 years old, and my second at 31 years old. I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 40. So I feel fairly qualified to speak on single motherhood! And, let me tell you, it is not a role for the weak.
According to the 2021 U.S. Census Bureau, nearly 80 percent of the approximately 11 million single-parent families with children under the age of 18 were headed by single mothers.
A CONSTANT BALANCING ACT
Being a single mother is a balancing act. You have to nurture and discipline. You have to make a living and a home. You have to figure out how to supervise your children from afar, because you aren’t always available. It is exhausting. And yet, it is so rewarding. Having happy, healthy children and a peaceful home that you’ve provided all by yourself is a feeling I can’t describe. But even the most independent parent can’t do it all alone. We need our own little village. If you are a friend, neighbor, or relative to a single parent, you may wonder if there is anything you can do to help. What are some of the challenges unique to single parenthood, and how can you play a positive role? Read on.
LONELINESS
Being the only parent means your days are busy from the time you open your eyes in the morning until you close them at night. Work, maintaining a household, getting kids to school and activities leaves very little time for anything else.
Single parenting can be very lonely. Other than work, adult interaction is difficult to come by. And most single parents won’t ask someone to drop by, or meet them for thirty minutes for a cup of coffee. If you are in the position to offer some conversation and coffee, make it a point. You could very well make a single mom’s day!
FINANCIAL ISSUES
Even two-income families struggle with finances. With the rising rate of inflation, the burden is being felt even more by single parents. The cost of childcare is astronomical, groceries have gone up at least 25% in the last few years, and let’s not even talk about the price of gas right now. I honestly don’t know how single parents are holding it together right now. It was tough twenty years ago, but it was manageable. Now? Not so much. If you are close with a single mother, you may want to help. Offers of money will probably be refused. But, an occasional meal? A gift card delivered anonymously? You may be surprised what a difference you can make.
GUILT
Guilt plagues the psyche of many a single parent. We can’t do enough. We can’t afford enough. We’ve burdened our children with our own choices. Add to that, single mothers are often judged by society for the very same things we beat ourselves up over. For as long as I can remember, many of society’s ills were blamed on the “breakdown of the family unit.” Single mothers were more likely to have sons who went to prison, they were more likely to be on public assistance, they were more likely to go to jail themselves, and their daughters were more likely to become single mothers. Blah blah blah. It’s enough to knock a person’s confidence down several notches. But, sometimes one compliment would make my day better. “Your kids sure are well behaved!” “You really handle everything with so much grace.” “I’m so proud of everything you have accomplished.” A little encouragement goes such a long way!
A LOT OF JOY
The counter to all of these challenges is the unique sense of joy that comes with raising your kids alone. I remember feeling like my kids and I were this can-do, we’ve got this, full-of-fun team. There was nothing we couldn’t conquer together. Even now, with my kids grown and moving on with their lives, and me married and doing my own thing, I feel this settled and content feeling on the rare occasion I get to spend time just me and my two kids. I’d never give that up. It’s something I’d never know if I had not raised my kids alone. Another thing I believe my single parenthood gave my kids was growing up in a secure, stable home. They never had to witness the two adults who made them having conflict. They never had to choose sides. Our home was battle-free, with no arguing or fighting for them to endure. It was a pretty peaceful environment, and I’m glad my children know what a calm and safe environment feels like.
This Mother’s Day, give a high five or a gift card or a hug to the single mothers in your life. They deserve it. They don’t have a partner to help the kids do something special for them. You could make someone’s day even more special!
TRICIA VLASAK is a mother, grandparent, and wife. She works in law enforcement when she isn’t writing about parenting, hiking with her dogs, or going on adventures. Tricia received a Silver Award for feature writing from Parenting Media Association in 2021.