Yesterday, I got a note from my daughter in my lunch bag, “Dad, have a good day! Love, Sloan.” Admittedly, it brought a smile to my face. Then, I felt a tinge of guilt because I never put notes in her lunch. I pushed aside that guilt by reminding myself that she had told me that she appreciated my efforts to pack her “special lunch” on my days to make lunch.
As noted by author Gary Chapman, everyone has a way they express their love to others, and they experience feeling loved, which he calls love languages. Although initially focused on couples, his ideas have expanded to parenting. People use five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. People have one primary love language and one secondary one. Before you dismiss these ideas as some hooey, there is science to support that stronger relationships result from the alignment of love languages in couples. There is little doubt that the same is true for parents and children.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION are expressing your feelings of love and affection for other people and wanting to hear and read words of love. All kids need words of affirmation of love and affection, regardless of primary love language. My daughter falls into this love language. There are often notes around the house of expressions of her love addressed to her mother or me. Sometimes, she will tape a plastic bag to the bedroom door and leave us “mail” of notes with messages of love. We have found notes in shoes and under pillows to find surprises about her feelings. When she has been particularly defiant and ornery, she will sometimes write letters of apology.
People who respond to physical interaction register TOUCH as indicative of love. My daughter also uses this love language. She is a hugger. She hugs us, her friends, our neighbors, and the dog. Her favorite ritual is coming in to get on the couch and give me hugs. My mother is also a hugger and toucher and has to be reminded not to touch my wife’s and daughter’s faces in her expression of love. Having grown up with it, I recognize her face touching is part of her love language. My daughter is also quick to seek out touch in receiving hugs, back rubs, back scratches, and hand holding as unconscious and conscious reassurances of love.
The love language of GIFTS is for those who respond to receiving a unique item. I think this is me. I like shopping for my daughter. I have a sense of what she likes, and I have to stop myself from wandering over to the kids’ sections at stores when I come in for something else. I greatly enjoy finding the right kind of clothing or snack I think my daughter will like and buying it for her. I do the same for my wife when I buy new grapefruit-flavored item for my wife because I know she likes that flavor. My recipients of gifts recognize that I am expressing my affection by doing so.
The love language of QUALITY TIME is when people feel loved by spending time together. Videoconferencing like Zoom has extended this possibility, particularly for grandparents far away. When I overhear my daughter talking with her grandparents or aunt, I wonder why they put up with her telling them what to do, fiddling with the controls, and being inattentive to them. But, I have realized that, for them, it is less about what is happening than just spending time with her when they cannot be physically present. At the same time, I know that my daughter relishes times when there is a special activity with just one parent or when she goes with her aunt to a Zumba class. My daughter will attach significance when my wife designates a “girls’ day” when I am away and do something special.
ACTS OF SERVICE as a love language are those people who feel loved when others do things for them and when they do things for others. I think this is me too. I spend a lot of time putting things away in our house. I am the organizer of stuff and like to put things neatly away. For me, this act of service is how I tell my daughter (and wife) how much I love them by putting away their and our items so they can retrieve them as desired. My 9-year-old is less fluent in this love language than the others, and my desire to put things away often clashes with her desire to play with as many items as possible in our common living area. Later, she recognized my act of service love language when I could tell her where her desired item was.
As a dad, I think there is value in building awareness of love languages and thinking about how you express your love and receive love. Learning your kids’ love language may help strengthen your relationship and create stronger connections.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina. Rob has received two awards from the national Parenting Media Association for excellence in writing including a Gold Award for his column "Father's Day."