I had a dad come up to me at an event recently and say, “Sloan does not have a good poker face.” He had been looking for his son, who was hiding, and my daughter alleged she had no idea where he was while inadvertently signaling his hiding place at the same time. She is not a good liar.
When caught in a lie, my daughter either tells a story where she is innocent or denies culpability altogether. Her tone of voice and lack of eye contact often give her away. I have also heard her recount “accidents” of how toys got into her backpack to travel to school or how she has no idea of how smudges got on the wall. As a parent, it is frustrating to detect these obvious lies. My wife and I reiterate the importance of being honest and trustworthy to her; she claims to be honest and trustworthy but then sometimes acts otherwise.
A sign of cognitive development
Lying among young children, even among toddlers, may be a sign of advancing cognitive development. Children have to learn from interactions with others that outward facial expressions and communication may not match the thoughts and knowledge in their minds. My wife and I happened to catch our daughter, on video, in an early lie in her high chair. We were dog sitting, and Sloan decided to give the dog her toast. When asked, while the dog was munching away, “Did you give Libby your toast?” She quickly responded with “Noooo.” She seemed to realize, pretty sophisticatedly, that because her parents had not seen this occur she could conceal her deed. After a bit of prodding, she did confess but recognized that the deed was minor with few consequences.
Kids lie for a variety of reasons
One may be because kids are not good at recognizing outcomes to their behavior and realize that something they did is likely to gain disapproval, so they try to avert consequences. They do not realize that playing ball in the house may mean a broken lamp, so they lie about how the ball came into contact with the lamp (e.g., “I tripped, and the ball flew out of my hand.”). Despite the implausibility of events, it does demonstrate a high-level understanding that, without proof, it could have happened that way. They are testing out their understanding of how people think.
Learned social lying
Kids also learn pro-social lying early in childhood, as coached by us, the parents. We tell them how to react to an underwhelming gift and how certain topics should not be disclosed to others. So, kids must learn when some lies are okay, and some are not–not always an easy task for young minds.
Asserting growing autonomy
As kids age, lying may become a way to assert their growing autonomy. Lying about what they were doing, where they went, and who they were with may be part of pre-teenhood and adolescence. Although parents may not like the lying, it may be part and parcel with growing maturity and testing their abilities. We may not like it, but it is a sign of advancing decision-making ability.
When you catch your child in a lie
Show your children that telling the truth leads to a better interaction with you. Experts advise that it can be useful, when catching your kid in a lie, to let them know that you want them to think about the truth. Then walk away from them returning a few moments later to allow them to present a more factual version of the events. Those few moments to reflect gives the child a chance to reconsider and save face with you. It also may give you a few moments to calm down and avoid reactive behavior.
Another suggestion is to explain to children when honesty matters. Kids are developing a sense of right and wrong and may not consciously know when lying is wrong. Unfortunately, parents can do their best to teach and model morality, but morality is often developed through experience. Parents can intervene by coaching kids and asking them, “how did you choose to lie? What did you think would happen?” By examining the process, kids can better understand what circumstances merit consequences and whether those are honest accidents, mistakes, or oversights. Research supports that when kids grow up in households with rigid rules and little dialogue about consequences, they lie more.
A foundation of trust and honesty
Building trust is ongoing. Kids have to know that honesty does not always mean punishment. When kids get older and engage in riskier activities (e.g., drinking, etc.), if a foundation of trust and honesty has not been established, kids will likely not tell you what they are doing or planning to do. If teens think they will get in trouble for drinking, they are less likely to be honest and call for a ride. So, for parents of young children, the investment in guidance for truth and honesty can pay off later.
As a dad, I will continue my benevolent detective routine to seek out the truth from my daughter and reinforce the qualities of honesty and trustworthiness. On the other hand, I may have to teach her to up her game but keep her lying to the poker table.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.