Recently, I was putting clothes away in my daughter’s room and noticed that she had pinned the following note onto the bulletin board above her bed (BTW, spelling is a work in progress):
Improvement Goals
1. Be nicer
2. Don’t be rude to anyone
3. Be a chiller
4. Don’t be sensitive to hurtful words from bullies. (Stand up to _____________)
5. Be honest for a week at a time starting at 7/6/23 & 9:52 PM
I don’t know where she has picked up the idea of making a list of her “improvement goals,” but I am kind of proud that, as a 9-year-old, she has developed the insight to write down things she wants to improve. At the same time, I think the list provides a window into what has been on her mind.
The end of school this year had been rough for her. There weren’t academic problems, but she had a friend unexpectedly say they did not want to be friends with her anymore. Later, she discovered several kids encouraged the ex-friend to dissolve the friendship. On the last day of school, as everyone was saying goodbye, this action left my daughter in tears and wondering what had happened. Over the weekend, the class had a farewell beach party, and the ex-friend was in attendance, without the cluster of supporters, and apologized somewhat, saying that other kids were encouraging the friendship dissolution. These events left my daughter sad and confused.
She continued to replay events in her mind at home, bringing herself to tears. My wife and I continued to discuss with her how to discern who is a friend. We encouraged her to cultivate friendships with more supportive kids and not allow herself to be manipulated emotionally by others. We tried to get her to look at the instigators as revealing their true character.
She asked my wife and me about our history with friends and conflicts. I had a hard time coming up with times in which similar things happened to me. Don’t get me wrong, they happened, but I think I have repressed the details over the years. I tried to explain to her more about how people behave–that sometimes people are just mean, some people are followers, and others are not worth her attention and effort, given their unkind behavior. It is difficult to stand by and watch this level of turmoil when I want to yell at these kids and say, “Don’t be such a jerk to my daughter.”
Now, I know my daughter is not the innocent victim in all of this, and I recognize that my wife and I are getting a filtered, one-sided description of the chain of events. However, from her list of improvement goals she has written down, I can see that she has internalized some of the blame. Perhaps, she has taken to heart our refrain of telling her that she can’t control other people and that our behavior towards others reflects who we are. So, now she is choosing to work on herself.
Many of us could aspire towards her goals of being nicer, not being rude, being chiller, being less reactive, standing up to bullies, and being honest. However, she chose to document these goals to improve her friendships. As a dad, it is hard to see her toil trying to figure out her relationships. But it is a struggle she needs to undertake. Social relationships are complex for kids to figure out. Add to that the years of Covid away from friends with whom there would have been interactions to practice problem-solving skills. Plus, as kids move towards late elementary school, their sensitivity to social cues and social relationships increases, and, particularly in girls, relational aggression increases. Relational aggression is covert bullying, social exclusion, ignoring (e.g., the silent treatment), and spreading rumors and gossip, among other more subtle behaviors, and can be just as harmful and impactful as physical aggression (which boys tend to engage in more). So, for now, I am giving her the space to talk about her feelings, to help her understand the behavior of others, and to let her find ways to improve herself if she wishes.
As the new school year approaches, I remind her how much she has grown over the summer through all her activities. At the same time, I rehearse with her several scenarios that could take place and how she could respond so that she feels more confident entering into these relationships. The new school year offers her new opportunities for relationships, and I hope she feels like she has met her improvement goals.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.