This summer, I got a letter from my daughter at sleep-away summer camp:
“Dear Daddy, There is someone in my cabin who is ANNOYING and SASSY. Miss you. Love, Sloan.”
The words all in capitals were written in the equivalent of 36-point font in an 8-year-old’s scrawl, and the letter set my wife and me on edge. My daughter’s words were code to us that she had conflicts with (at least) this one girl. The irony is that she is quick to make friends and is often the first friend of new kids.
The end of last school year became an ongoing elementary school telenovela with dramatic alliances, alleged betrayals, and exclusions. The amount of angst and drama amongst the boys and girls was astounding for third graders. I would hear about it in the morning, and my wife would get the newest episode in the afternoon. I think some of the ongoing plotlines may have resulted during active Covid isolation. So many children were deprived of regular interactions with their friends where relationships could ebb and flow, teaching kids how to get along with others without adult intervention. When the children could be back together in school, I think all that pent-up need for socialization left kids underskilled for forming and maintaining friendships. Research has shown that more children are showing signs of anxiety and depression post-Covid. As a result, kids may be more sensitive to what were minor slights or may be more worried about exclusion from friend activities.
In response to her letter, I immediately sent an email (which the camp delivers as a letter) giving her tips on why a kid might be annoying to other kids (e.g., fear, anxiety about new kids, etc.) and what she could do to cope or respond (e.g., ask her directly, avoid the person, or use an adult to help mediate). My wife and I then looked at the photos posted online to determine if there were signs of distress or isolation. There weren’t any.
Nonetheless, given my daughter’s supporting role in the telenovela, my wife purchased a kid-oriented book for her on determining who your friends are and who are just people you know. Spoiler alert: Real friends don’t make you feel bad about yourself. Drama can be avoided if you recognize who are real friends.
The reports of conflict from our daughter usually come in the form of someone being “mean.” Mean has become a broad term to her that can connote that someone is not treating her nicely or fairly or that someone is not heeding her directions. As her father, I am “mean” when I force her to pick up her things or deny her candy 45 minutes before dinner. When she reports someone is “mean” to her, I try to break it down with her. She will report being called a name. Or, she will describe two friends wanting to spend time together without her and feeling excluded (or them telling her directly not to play with them). How was someone mean? A “mean” kid didn’t react well to getting “assistance” from her on schoolwork. Some of these instances might be legitimately kids being mean, and some might be in response to something that she did. Regardless, it is hard to see my daughter struggle with understanding the complexities of relationships, her role, and the roles of others. I know that these interpersonal struggles are part of her learning and building her skills in interacting with others. As a father, I want to step in and protect her from distress. And at the same time, I want to tell her to ignore the mean people (even though that tactic may not work). But the reality is that, as adults, we forget how central friendships are for kids.
In her kid way of coping, our daughter recently took out her freestanding punching bag and affixed a Post-it that said: Mean People. I think she was imitating something she had seen on a TV show, and I haven’t seen her use it yet with the Post-it. Regardless, I think she was seeking a way to deal with her internal frustration with her perceived “mean” people. Although hitting a punching bag may immediately relieve some of her frustration, she still needs regular practice dealing with the complexities of friendships. As her father, I can’t swoop in to fix everything. She must endure some drama to develop the necessary friendship skills.
As a dad, I know I can’t shy away from these conversations or leave them for my wife to coach. If I want to know what is happening in my daughter’s life, now and in the future, I need to know about the drama, support her in figuring out who is not a friend, and help her understand more about how to be a good friend.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.