Like most kids, my daughter does not show gratitude regularly. She is polite and says please and thank you. But, usually, she gets caught up in the excitement of opening a gift or takes for granted that she should receive what has been given to her. Like most parents, I think I expect her to be more grateful for what she has, but the reality is that, as a kid, she knows no difference. As a dad, I work hard to give her an easier life than I had growing up (and mine was not that hard). At the same time, I don’t want her to be spoiled by getting whatever she wants. I want her to pause for a moment and be thankful.
Instilling gratitude is more than just manners. Researchers have found that gratitude is the feeling of appreciation for the thought behind the act or object. So, when kids are grateful for a gift, they recognize that it came because the giver was thinking about them and wanted to give something to make them happy. But kids have to reflect on the experience and make the connections to feel that deep sense of gratitude. That’s where parents come in. According to the Raising Grateful Children research project at the University of North Carolina- Chapel Hill, parents play an important role in fostering a sense of gratitude in children. Parents can help their children notice when an act requires gratitude (like getting a gift) and helping the children think about the feelings associated with receiving something. Then, the child should be prompted to do something to recognize what the giver was intending. When this happens, a deep sense of gratitude can be achieved.
Showing gratitude can also apply to engaging in activities. Sometimes I take my daughter to a playdate or birthday party, and I can’t get her to leave. She is having fun, and I become a negotiator, giving five more minutes, ten more swings, or whatever she comes up with to stall leaving. Often, I have to pry her away as she protests. I get annoyed that she did not heed our departure time and resentful that she was not more grateful about the time she spent there. Instead, according to the Raising Grateful Children folks, I should remind her of her fun while there and how lucky she is to have friends who want to play with her and have her at their birthday parties. Then, I should ask her how she feels being around friends like that. Making that connection of getting her to think beyond her immediate experience may help build that sense of true gratitude.
A sense of gratitude has been associated with greater life satisfaction, better health, happiness, optimism, and satisfaction with social relationships, among other positive outcomes. As a dad, I want all of these for my daughter and more. So, I can’t sit back and let these missed opportunities for gratitude to slip by.
We are heading into Thanksgiving, and a day is set aside to be thankful, gather together, and eat yummy food. Many religions have the tradition of saying “grace” before the meal, thanking their deity for the food, and often including the hands that made the meal. Also, many people often go around the table to say what they are thankful for. Maybe this year, the conversation about what you are grateful for may extend to recognize the number of people who brought the food to the table. There is the cook, the earners of the money to pay for the food, the people at the store or the farmers’ market, the growers, the food manufacturers, the transporters, the harvesters, and more. And, of course, the Earth and Sun provide the soil, weather, and water to grow the food. Having kids recognize all the elements that came together so that the delicious meal can be eaten may help deepen a sense of gratitude.
With the holidays around the corner, there is time to practice building a sense of gratitude in children. Often, for kids, the holidays become about the presents and not about gratitude for the kindness of others. This year can be different.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE, is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay, and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school-aged daughter and reside in Marina.