It can be hard to find time to catch up with our kids. The time we spend chauffeuring them around offers the perfect opportunity!
Like most parents, I spend a significant amount of time just shuttling my kid from one place to another. I had a friend post on social media after her teen got his driver’s license that her side job of over 20 years as a personal chauffeur was over. I sighed in envy. Like many of you, I do not enjoy battling the log jam of traffic to get my kid to school or lessons or friends’ houses. But, I have recognized that this time is when my kid is captive in my car and where I get to find out what is happening in my daughter’s life.
In these private moments, she tells me about her interactions at school. She reports on who is mean to her, who runs fast, and who got the stink eye from her teacher. She tries to teach me lessons by quizzing me on her times tables or division or my knowledge of an area of science that she learned in class. Often, I feign ignorance or make mistakes on purpose so that she can teach me what she knows. I also hear her musings as the car seat philosopher when she asks about human nature with questions like, “Why do some people not like each other because of their skin color?”
Recently NPR was on the radio with interviews with Ukrainians about the invasion. I thought she was reading, but then she asked what was happening. I provided an overview of the situation, to which she replied indignantly, “That is not okay!” In her eight-year-old way, I love that she understands these issues of social justice and that she is learning them from me.
Another time, in the morning traffic, a driver grew impatient and went around us and several cars in the emergency lane. The driver failed to notice the police officer ahead, who promptly pulled him over, presumably to write a ticket. Amid my cheers, my daughter asked what a ticket was. I explained how tickets work, penalize drivers, and how they cost money for insurance. I then explained the role of insurance. Had I tried to sit her down and explain insurance to her, she would not tolerate it. In the car and the moment, she was willing to learn.
We have had conversations about how cement trucks work, what to do in a tsunami, why fire trucks are red, and what she would do if she found a treasure chest. For a while, she was determined that her school was built on top of an old magical school and hypothesized how she and her friends could find clues that would reveal her school’s true origins. I made many queries about what has led her to think that and how she would know if it were true. As I sat behind the wheel, I learned her reasoning process. The ultimate solution was to look at an old map of Pacific Grove and start digging a hole to find an entry. I ultimately told her that the real magic was in her learning, and she rolled her eyes.
As kids get older, it becomes harder to get information about what is happening in their lives. It can be hard to find one-on-one time to have meaningful conversations. These little car conversations can help build relationships, establish trust, and stay connected.
There is even some research that for teenagers involved in sports, the conversations in the car ride home from practice or competition can be soothing, productive, and supportive. Teens have reported that these post-activity talks help them reflect on their performance and how to maintain a positive attitude amid poor performance. They also reported how parental feedback made the car ride more enjoyable and made them feel closer to their parents.
As a dad, these are private times to relish one-on-one interaction without my wife or my daughter’s friends being present. Sometimes, she will ask about my childhood experiences–like if I got into trouble or my older sister was mean to me. I answer her questions as honestly as possible (Yes, she was mean to me sometimes!). When she questions me, she is trying to know more about me and, I think, sees herself in me.
I still don’t like the traffic, but I like the company.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.