Growing up, when extended family came to visit, the evenings were spent playing cards. I watched many games of canasta, learned the game, and a few cuss words in foreign languages. When the game play was less serious, the kids could join in to improve our skills and become formidable opponents. It didn’t stop there. As a card-playing family, it was important to teach me a variety of games so that I could play and compete across generations. I learned War, then moved to Spoons, 21/Blackjack, Crazy Eights, Solitaire, Kings Corners, Poker, Hearts, Spades, Gin Rummy, and Thirteens. We had the specialty decks for Go Fish, Old Maid, Uno, and later Mille Bornes (and probably others that I can’t recall). So, on a recent visit to my mother, after dinner was cleared, we sought out a card game to play with my daughter. After a quick refresher of the rules, we began to play.
I had forgotten how much kids learn from playing games with adults. With the quick explanation of the game’s goals and how each card functions, there is the cognitive challenge for kids to manage the multiple concepts simultaneously. Then, there is the strategy of playing. The game we settled on was Mille Bornes, a game familiar in my youth but one not used in a while. You can look up the game’s intricacies, but, in summary, you are trying to accumulate points to reach a goal and can simultaneously thwart your opponents with penalty cards. On each turn, you have to figure out whether to advance yourself, penalize your opponents, or seek a card to resolve the penalty given to you. My 8-year-old daughter quickly found joy in realizing that she could enact multiple penalties against me and cultivate favor from her mother by discarding cards that benefited my wife. From my academic perspective, I realized that she was enjoying the power shift by penalizing her dad.
In the first round of play, we were gently playing to build her skills. But, then, amidst our subtle guidance, she won. After some high-volume cheering and a little booty-shaking dance, she returned to another round.
This time the play was not so gentle. When she received some penalty cards, she started to protest, pout, and generally show poor sportsmanship. We all reminded her of the fun of playing, her previous success, and how sometimes luck is not on your side. I recognized that this behavior was an insight into how competitive she can be and how she needs more coaching on sticking with a task. She is also not good with a secret. So, when she got a bonus card, she was vocal about wanting the penalty that could be resolved with immunity from the bonus card. Again, we had to remind her of the idea of strategy with other players. I held the penalty card for a turn or two as the person feeding her cards, letting her anticipation build. Then, I played the card to let her celebrate the playing of the bonus card. For her, it was a triumphant play, and, at the same time, it was a demonstration that she had mastered the tools of the game, building her confidence.
As it became clear that someone else would win, my daughter stepped away from the table, opting for snacks and choosing not to play the next round, despite cajoling from all of us. She stood firm and snacked as we dealt. Of course, as an eight-year-old, she could not help but kibbitz, and her grandmother relented, letting her join her as a team. She had to then debate with her grandmother on which card to play. She had to accept the guidance from her grandmother and advocate her position at the same time. I could see how much she was learning about negotiation, compromise, teamwork, and strategy during this process.
We finished the game, and she began the preparations for bed, yelling the word said aloud when you play a bonus card. For her, the experience of playing a game with her family was just fun. But, on another level, it was a specific learning activity.
Once a child learns the game’s rules they are playing on equal footing as the adults, a unique opportunity for kids. When playing, there are math skills and counting. Kids have to use their prediction skills to see what cards have been played and what cards they can anticipate bettering their standing. They also get the social experience of teasing their parents and other relatives in the spirit of play. She got to threaten that I would go down, mock sadness when she had no choice but to pay a penalty card, and to help me by playing a useful card. These are the kinds of communication and interpersonal skills that could serve her in understanding people and relationships.
There is a saying that “if you want to know someone better, play cards with them.” I believe this is true–and, ‘scuse me, it is my turn to deal.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty, elementary school aged daughter and reside in Marina.