The role of fathers has changed. Today’s fathers are more involved, more available to their families, and more equal as a co-parent, according to a new report from the American Psychological Association (APA). This is a good thing!
As noted in the report, greater father involvement with infants and young children is associated with advanced language development, fewer cognitive deficits, and fewer behavioral problems later in childhood. Father involvement with school-age children has been associated with increased academic achievement, better school attitudes, more literacy development, less depression and anxiety, higher levels of emotion regulations, and social adjustment. Even for adolescents, father involvement is related to healthier eating patterns, less depression, and anxiety (especially for daughters), higher self-esteem, less delinquency, and violent behaviors, better grades, and less substance use. Altogether, these findings show that the cumulative effects of father involvement have direct payoffs for children.
However, the report also notes that a traditional masculine ideology, known as toxic masculinity, is bad for boys (and for men). This ideology is a pattern of thinking and parenting of boys where the focus is on achievement, adventure and risk, and strength and self-reliance as well as violence, anti-femininity, and avoidance of perceptions of weakness. This ideology is reinforced by friends, family, peers, and society. And, it may not be a conscious decision to reinforce these expectations—it may just happen because of the culture in which we grew up. I am fortunate to find myself around lots of dads who are forging better practices with their sons and actively strive to counter some of these societal messages about how boys “should” be.
Toxic masculinity has resulted in a range of social and psychological problems for boys. For example, boys are more likely to get diagnoses of learning disabilities and have behavior problems like bullying and aggression. Boys (and men) learn to express emotional distress through outward, destructive behaviors and fail to discover ways of expressing and coping with challenges in healthier ways. The emphasis from an early age to be self-reliant, strong, and independent prevents boys from getting the help they need. Also, boys who act outside of these expected norms by being passive or crying, for example, receive more physical and verbal abuse from peers. These pathways are not fixed. There are ways to change and avoid falling into this traditional masculine ideology.
Perhaps, you’ve seen the controversial media ad by Gillette giving examples of traditional masculine behaviors and stating the need to change with the tagline of “We believe the best in men.” The ad depicts bullying among boys, teasing, sexual harassment, “mansplaining,” condoning of behavior with “boys with boys” among other behaviors. But, the ad also poignantly shows the intervention of dads on boys’ behaviors, on what they say, and on how to act in the future and ends with how men can do better in raising boys and in modeling better behavior. Now, ultimately, I know that the intent is to sell razors, but the imagery and sentiments are powerful, make clear that these types of destructive behaviors can be changed, and make an impact on these boys developing into men.
I remain optimistic that fatherhood continues to change for the better. I think that men are moving in the direction to right the wrongs of the past in how they may have been raised and how they now want their children to be raised. I talked to one father of boys aged five and seven who said that he’s raising his boys not to be good “men” but to be good people. He has moved away from the machismo under which he grew up and is trying to create a balance between healthy risks and communication for his boys.
Few would disagree that characteristics of achievement, adventure, self-reliance, strength, and risk-taking are undoubtedly desirable in shaping children to become adults. However, the positive aspects wither without including collaboration, communication, emotional expression, and a broad look at what it means to be masculine. Fathers, together, we can take the toxic out of masculinity and let boys thrive as they become better men.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.