Statistically, our communities are safer for families than they have been in recent history. It may not seem that way given the news media, but the FBI reports that there is less violent crime, gun crime, and other crimes than in the last 50 years. The shootings at the Gilroy Garlic Festival stand out because of our geographical proximity to Gilroy and because it is precisely the kind of event our family attends, and my daughter is the same age as the youngest victim. It could have been her. I cannot imagine the devastating loss for the parents and families of the victims.
Like many of you, the latest mass shootings have forced me to push away negative and paranoid thoughts that bubble up when I drop my kid off at camp, school, or religious school and when attending public events. As a dad, I feel that my role is “protector” by keeping my kid safe in all ways. At the same time, I don’t want to give in to my fears and make my daughter think and feel that where we live and where we go are not safe places. She should feel free to talk to whomever, go where she wants, and play with enthusiasm, so it is my job as protector to instill that feeling of safety in her.
This past school year, her school was on lockdown twice as a precaution (where kids are kept indoors, and people are prevented from leaving or entering the site). The school handled the lockdowns well and, at no point, was there any immediate threat or harm to the children. My 5-year-old daughter had vague ideas of what had happened and only knew that she and the other children couldn’t go outside for a while. However, after the first incident, she had a nightmare of “bad people” coming to get her. So, despite her lack of conscious understanding, the incident had sunk in. I hate it that I could not keep this idea of a scary world out of her head. My wife and I work hard to give our daughter opportunities to be in the world, practice her independence, and interact with others, so that she can learn how to handle herself and how to talk to people.
Although there is no one clear answer, I believe that something must have happened in the shooters’ lives that left them disconnected, disaffected, and violently angry. As a dad, I never want my child to feel even one iota of disconnection from the family, the community, or society. I strive to build her sense of connection to the family by reinforcing our family’s values, by letting her have input in family decisions when appropriate, and by reminding her how her immediate and extended family supports her.
We reinforce her connection to community by patronizing our locally-owned stores and talking to people like the vendors at our local farmers’ market. We also attend community events—National Night Out, the fabulous events at the library, the city’s Labor Day parade, the Fourth of July activities nearby, the open houses of the local research facilities, the family art days at the museum, International Day at the Naval Postgraduate School, Whalefest–the list goes on. I think attendance at these events is part of building a sense of belonging for my daughter so that she has a place and feels like this is her community.
I also try to inoculate her against feeling disconnected from society by providing education of her cultural and religious roots and how we are part of the larger society. The hope in attending and participating in these activities is that it will spark curiosity and passion for learning and in understanding her potential role in solving challenges and in connecting with others.
I also tell her what people can do to make things better. She can fully articulate stances on environmentalism such as not leaving garbage, recycling, and reducing single-use items, thanks to school and camp curriculum. On a recent trip to the Aquarium with her indulgent grandmother, who would buy her anything, she asked to buy a set of reusable bamboo cutlery to take to school. When she sees people who are homeless begging for money, she knows that, rather than giving money to individuals, we give to homeless services. She offers input as to where donations go and have heard that our family’s donations follow our targeted values and causes. Her current choice for giving is the SPCA, from which we got our dog last year. We know the messages are getting through. As the dad and protector, I am working on helping my daughter feel as though she can always do something constructive to improve things rather than destroy them.
Your instinct might be to carefully control your kids, keep the world out, and lock them up. But, perhaps, a better solution might be to get them into the world, to have them practice the skills for sound decision making and resiliency, and to give them a sense of hope and belonging.
Robert (Rob) S. Weisskirch, MSW, Ph.D., CFLE is a Professor of Human Development at California State University, Monterey Bay and is a Certified Family Life Educator. He and his wife are parents to a chatty 5-year-old daughter and reside in Marina.